In dreaming of becoming a Health and Wellness Coach, or something along those lines, I started manifesting ideas that have led me to register for a 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training program. I’ve thought many times about how cool or fun it would be to teach yoga, but I never thought it would become reality.

What lead me to taking these steps? I’m not quite sure and its difficult to explain. The easiest reply is that I kept telling myself how great it would be and the reasons why I should do it. Sure, this is true, I didn’t let myself hold onto the excuses and finally let go of the reasons I thought I shouldn’t, although they kept bearing their faces. But there is so much more than that. Like everyone else my experiences have shaped who I am and the path that I’m on. So many experiences both happy and painful ones. So many mountains I’ve endure, figuratively and literally, some which I reached the summit of and others I could not. These have all brought me to where I am today. With support and encouragement I worked my way through the anxieties and made “the move”. Which has also brought me to writing this and sharing my story with you.

Growing up and even in my adult years, I guess until about now, I never knew what I wanted to “be”. I have my passions and things I love to do and these have all changed and grown over the years, but never did I know how to, or that it was even possible, to build them into a career. Now at the age of 33 I’m starting this new path that scares the crap out of me and gives me so much joy at the same time. I’ve had butterflies in my stomach for the past few days and even writing this gives me anxiety about what’s next. I was always taught that I could be whatever I wanted to be if I put my mind to it, this has served me well throughout the years by building my self-worth and confidence. But now I’m literally taking the steps to do exactly that, and I am so lucky and grateful to have the resources available to do it.

Three and a half years ago I was an Area Manger for a Dental Cooperation. I started working there as a receptionist and worked my way up within a few years, which was one of my goals from the beginning. I loved my job and the people I worked with and I was proud of my accomplishments. Along with this satisfaction, of course came the common stresses of management. A couple years prior to my promotion I pursued medical attention as I had been dealing with chronic neck pain, meaning ongoing for an extended period with no improvement, which later had progressed into upper back, rib and shoulder pain. I’m not sure if it was the pain that started making work more difficult to handle or the stress and long days that made the pain less tolerable or worse, it was likely a combination of both; a very vicious cycle. Either way I found myself having a nervous breakdown and left on medical leave. This was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life. I felt like a failure, I went against my work ethic and values, and resigned from my position with one day notice. At the time it was the only thing I knew I could remove from the equation to improve my current mental and physical state, as I was getting no relief from my pain and little support from my doctors. I believed I would go off work for a few months to focus on myself and healing, then return as usual. However, this was not what happened next.

I spent hours and days which had turned into months and now years, researching different possible medical reasonings for my pain in hopes of finding an answer and some relief. I changed my routine, improved my diet, and took time to focus on me. I pursued many different therapies to get any bit of relief that I could, none of which ever lasted or provided me with complete relief. I changed doctors and went back to see previous doctors insisting they need to investigate further. I repeated all this over many times with no gain. The only way I could get complete relief from my discomfort was by taking prescribed pain medication, which included opioids, or drinking enough alcohol to numb it. The key word being “numb”, that’s all it did and after it wore off I was back at square one with side affects from the medication and, or, the alcohol. I refused to let myself go down that path and to this day still live in the same discomfort. Living in pain is physically and mentally draining and it would be so easy for anyone to get trapped in a downward spiral. Most of life’s basic tasks became a huge hurdle for me and I no longer wanted to do any of the things I loved, even things I did regularly the year before, they would just cause me more discomfort. At one point I even had to talk myself through each day and continuously tell myself that the day was almost over. This was because the time of day I looked forward to most was bedtime. Although I have a difficult time getting comfortable and most positions cause some discomfort, the one aspect of my life my pain has not rudely interrupted is my sleep. I am so grateful for my sleep as without it I believe I would be in that downward spiral. I am grateful for the support I received from my family and friends, and my upbringing for providing me with the strength to keep moving forward.

To complicate things more, I have a rare genetic connective tissue disorder called Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI), most commonly known as “the brittle bone disease” however, it affects most of the connective tissue in the body not just bones. Over the years I have been lucky enough to only have broken 6 bones that required medical attention and I tore ligaments in my left knee on two separate occasions. During recovery physiotherapy was always a part of the process, as well as over the past five or so years of dealing with my current condition. Through my experiences working with physiotherapists I’ve seen many different approaches, some which were no help at all and some which were very frustrating. Throughout my life I was never into sports or a lot of activity, because of my OI I avoided exposing myself to these environments in fear of being injured. I had developed anxiety around this which over the years held me back from pursuing my dreams that I had to explore the outdoors. During my time off work, I started to explore these dreams little by little and eventually my desire for more started to outweigh my fears. I started hiking and pushing myself to go further each time. This was a very long and emotional process, but the only regrets I have are the choices I made to turn back and not complete or even start some of the trails I had the chance to. Finally, I decided that I didn’t want to be the weakest link anymore, I didn’t want to be held back by fear, inexperience, or weakness. Building my strength and stamina has been my focus ever since and has completely changed my outlook on activity and my health. The sensation I would get each time I reached my destination was so powerful and peaceful I just want to do it over again and never stop. Yoga had become one of my main ways of strengthening my whole body and improving my balance, it made me feel comfortable and helped me explore my body’s limits. I get a similar sensation practicing yoga and meditation as when I summit a mountain and I am rewarded with that endless view. I believe it is the mindfulness from meditation that has helped me through the emotional side of this experience. This is where my desire to take a Yoga Teacher Training course had really increased. I decided I wanted to help others like me, whether it is a physical or a mental barrier I want to help others become active, let go of fear, take control and improve their well being so they can live their best possible life. 

In my journey of “healing” there has been some key disciplines that I have learnt and integrated into my routine that have helped me through my most difficult times. Meditation and yoga are two practices that I can do at any time that make me feel better. Sometimes they will even help reduce my pain and most definitely my anxiety. In my search for relief and learning to “live with pain” yoga and meditation has grounded me and has helped me find my center. To me this means finding peace within and the ability to be aware of my body’s needs at any present moment, and consciously adjusting my environment and actions to fulfill those needs or provide balance. Yoga and meditation have helped me see through many challenges and have provided me with a safe place when I am struggling. I’m learning where to find peace when life gets chaotic and balance between everything we are exposed to. And, I’ve learnt to live more in the moment instead of the future or past, and to cherish and be grateful for the little things; as during hard times they truly are what matters most. I have faced every emotion thought possible in the past few years and it is meditation and yoga that has brought me clarity and strength. I believe they are both highly beneficial in healing and overall well being, and I have personally experienced their ability to improve physical strength and mindfulness.

After being off work for about one year I was able to build up the courage to face my colleagues again. I went back on a casual temping bases which led to me accepting a part time position back in a receptionist role. After being back for a little over two years now I’ve been able to get comfortable and find a work life balance, but to maintain this balance I do not see me progressing in this role. Unless my pain improves, I will not be able to return to my previous career path and take care of myself at the same time. I have been trying to find what this means for me and what to do next. I have asked myself what my future looks like if I continue in this way? I have pondered several ideas looking for something that fits into this new lifestyle that I’ve been living, and that would not lead me back to where I was three years ago. 

So, that brings me back to the question what does it mean to “put your mind to it?” I don’t think there is a simple explanation to this and it brings me to a whole new writing topic, but as I reflect on the steps that have brought me here this is what I’ve experienced. Every time an idea popped into my mind I would write it down on whatever piece of paper, or anything resembling paper, right away. I have all these random notes in probably every notebook you’ll find lying around my house, and all over receipts and ripped off corners of cardboard boxes. They would get misplaced, thrown into piles of mail, and other receipts that would sit for months and get buried below all the noise and chaos. But every few months, sometimes longer, I would clear my computer desk of the paper stacks and find these notes and ideas, I would be reminded of them from time to time. I started noticing a trend, some of these notes would be composed of the same ideas or would bring me back to one main idea. At the beginning of this year, I made an honest effort to write down my aspirations and goals in a dream book and planner that I was gifted from my sister. I did goal setting at work but would never do it for myself. On a personal level I always struggled with this and never followed through on it. Even this time I did not complete all the questions or worksheets in the book, but I managed to identify some of my values and write down some one year goals. I never looked back at it until today, but all these ideas have been building throughout the year and as I reviewed them I realized I had reached at least one goal in each of the areas of my life I had set out. Being reminded over and over of these ideas would trigger curiosity and I would even start doing research online to see what I could find, then I would just go back to my normal activities and forget again. This is exactly what happened two days ago, Thursday October 31^st 2019, when I discovered my yoga teacher training program and what prompted my registration. This time was different, I knew inside of me that I wanted this, I was ready, I have the strength to do it. So I jumped, which I rarely do, and never very high.

I filled out my registration form and sent it off and that same evening I received a reply. My mind was running in circles and barriers kept going up but I was able to see through it all. My sister reminded me to stop thinking of the worst possible thing that could happen and think of the best thing that could transpire. I had to go see this place, it would be foolish of me to apply without any idea of what it was like.  How do I know if it is even real? What is the environment like? I decided to drop in for a class the following evening. My anxiety was through the roof the whole day and again I was second guessing myself and making excuses not to go. To help with my anxiety I gave myself an excess amount of time to get there to find parking and check out the space. As I casually walked in the door I was greeted by an amazing aroma, I wish I could name the scent but I never did ask. As I walked up the stairs I could hear a class in progress and when greeted by the lady at the front, who turned out to be an instructor, I was informed that class time had been changed and they had just started. Instantly my anxiety returned full force and my first thought was I’ll come back for a different class, or maybe never. She then proceeded to tell me it was also free yoga night and offered to take in my mat while I completed the registration form. I want to point out that this was an honest mix-up and I didn’t get the memo, no one to blame. When I entered the studio room I discovered there was only two other people there aside from the teacher. The space was small but cozy, a great place for a personalized class and comfortable learning environment. There were plants everywhere, a fountain in the corner, and diffuser letting off that amazing aroma. Despite the anxiety of walking in late and not having time to get settled, I was able to quickly center my thoughts and awareness. At the end of class I had the opportunity to talk with the instructor and other students. As I left, I walked outside into the cool crisp air and the  aroma followed me, I had a smile on my face and have not felt so sure about something as big of a decision as this. I went straight home and made my deposit to ensure my space was held. I could not imagine waiting any longer to do something I love so much.

Well this is my YTT discovery in a nutshell. I want to thank you for reading and hope you return to follow me on my YTT journey.

Until next time… Namaste

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.